The past few weeks, I have had mixed emotions about my training. I was elated that I could finally squat with a bar on my back and couldn’t wait to see just what my body could do. My excitement quickly turned to anxious feelings of failure due to my 45 year old knees and a lifetime of abusing them with excess weight and working 12 hours a day on my feet. If there is one thing I hate to admit, it’s that I may not be able to accomplish something I want so badly. Mondays are usually our squat days and I am pumped and ready to be challenged. Training usually goes well and I feel pretty good about myself and then my knees start to tell me, “HEY YOU!!! WE DO NOT LIKE THIS! STOP IT NOW!” This is where my conflict begins. I am screaming back at them to stop acting like this and suck it up!! I’m going to squat at the next meet no matter what so deal with it! I have argued with myself numerous times and unfortunately I think my knees are winning. It pains me to write this but, I may have to face the fact that I won’t be able to do this.
The last few Mondays I have struggled with telling my coach that I am having some pain, usually after a couple of days it goes away. That’s when my stubborn side says “I CAN DO THIS” and I head to the gym and proceed to crush some squats. A few hours later, I get reminded of why I probably shouldn’t be doing them. How do you give up on something you really want to do? I have been beating myself up over this! I keep hearing Jim say “This is for fun Renae!” Why doesn’t it feel like fun? I want to do this because I am not quitter! I want to prove to myself that I CAN do this! If I am totally honest, FEAR has set in! I’m scared of quitting and at the same time I’m scared of hurting myself and I think that’s holding me back. So, I chose to rise and face this for what it is and told my coach how much pain I am actually in. I almost cried…the hardest thing I have ever had to do is give in when I don’t want to, but Jim said I did the right thing. I don’t want to continue doing something that may jeopardize my competing at the meet in June. Thank goodness for Sarah Martin, our in house physical therapist, hopefully she can help. Looks like it’s Push/Pull for me and I have to be okay with that! I have turn this negative into a positive and concentrate on my deadlift and bench press and new PR’s! I got this!