Fearing the Unknown

Renae —  March 31, 2015 — 6 Comments

The past few weeks, I have had mixed emotions about my training. I was elated that I could finally squat with a bar on my back and couldn’t wait to see just what my body could do. My excitement quickly turned to anxious feelings of failure due to my 45 year old knees and a lifetime of abusing them with excess weight and working 12 hours a day on my feet. If there is one thing I hate to admit, it’s that I may not be able to accomplish something I want so badly. Mondays are usually our squat days and I am pumped and ready to be challenged. Training usually goes well and I feel pretty good about myself and then my knees start to tell me, “HEY YOU!!!  WE DO NOT LIKE THIS! STOP IT NOW!”  This is where my conflict begins. I am screaming back at them to stop acting like this and suck it up!! I’m going to squat at the next meet no matter what so deal with it! I have argued with myself numerous times and unfortunately I think my knees are winning. It pains me to write this but, I may have to face the fact that I won’t be able to do this.

Missy at Nationals

Missy at Nationals

The last few Mondays I have struggled with telling my coach that I am having some pain, usually after a couple of days it goes away. That’s when my stubborn side says “I CAN DO THIS” and I head to the gym and proceed to crush some squats. A few hours later, I get reminded of why I probably shouldn’t be doing them. How do you give up on something you really want to do?  I have been beating myself up over this!  I keep hearing Jim say “This is for fun Renae!” Why doesn’t it feel like fun?  I want to do this because I am not quitter!  I want to prove to myself that I CAN do this! If I am totally honest, FEAR has set in!  I’m scared of quitting and at the same time I’m scared of hurting myself and I think that’s holding me back. IMG_24047099987372 So, I chose to rise and face this for what it is and told my coach how much pain I am actually in.  I almost cried…the hardest thing I have ever had to do is give in when I don’t want to, but Jim said I did the right thing.  I don’t want to continue doing something that may jeopardize my competing at the meet in June.  Thank goodness for Sarah Martin, our in house physical therapist, hopefully she can help.  Looks like it’s Push/Pull for me and I have to be okay with that!  I have turn this negative into a positive and concentrate on my deadlift and bench press and new PR’s!  I got this!



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6 responses to Fearing the Unknown

  1. This is the conflict I’ve been facing for the past few months…at age 57 heavy lifting is taking a toll on my knees and lower back, but I can’t face the thought of quitting! I’ve been in a cycle of ease off/pour it on for a while now, and lost I’ve strength in the process. My emotions are all over the place….

    • Renae

      I know how you feel Martha but we have to do what’s right for our bodies and find what works for us! Plus, if you are anything like me….I refuse to quit! Hang in there

  2. Head up Renae :). It is a real bummer when our body does not cooperate with our aspirations for it. I understand the frustration for sure. Good on you for making the decision that is RIGHT FOR YOU. I have seen many good athletes without the courage to step back and evaluate, if what they are doing or not doing, is in their best interest.

    Train on, and take care
    Kris Freeman

  3. THIS!! I’m so glad I’m not the only one having to deal with this situation. I’m 46 and (so far) refuse to give up my gains — and all the strength and confidence and, I admit, bragging rights, that come with them. I’ve worked so hard with my trainer for the last 18 months, making the switch early on from “toning” to “lifting heavy things” when I realized I could in fact do that. With age, I’ve got those same wonky knee problems as you, but my trainer helped correct decades of bad squat form, so that helped tremendously. I’m tall, so I have another handicap of long limbs as I lift, so I remind myself it’s not just the age against me, it’s the levers. My trainer has a few younger female clients and I have to try SO HARD to not let my very minimal competitive spirit kick in. I’m not too proud to admit I’m jealous of their ease of gains and lightening recovery; It takes days for me to spring back from a max day. We’ve made adjustments in the past for my shoulder impingement (which we fixed with PT and lots of back work) and my current piriformis drama. I’ve had to give up squats and Romanian dead lifts for the piriformis, and it almost made me cry. It’s hard to tell myself that doing ANYTHING is something to be proud of, but that little voice in my head telling me I’m not in my 20’s any longer is hard to listen to. My fear is that as each year passes, I’ll need to restrict or eliminate some of my favorite moves, and I try not to let it ruin what i do have now. It’s hard, but at least I know I’m not alone.

    • Renae

      Sooz….girl I feel like you are talking about me!! I have an appt with a pt on Thursday and I refuse to give up my gains….I have only been able to squat with a bar on my back for about a month now before I have competed it was in the push/Pull category and I honestly WANT MORE! (Even though I set records in October at nationals) I want to squat with my teammates but I have a bad feeling that’s not gonna happen. I am one of the oldest girls on the team AND in the past, excluding the last 3 years I have weighed close to 300 pounds so my knees have taken A LOT of abuse! It’s nice to know that someone else feels your pain…I sure hope things work out for you and keep me posted, I would love to hear how you’re doing

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